MOVING ON

                                     MOVING ON

People always say you never forget your true love- your first love. But our love was unconventional, wasn’t it? And like they all do, you broke my heart, walked away or to describe our love story more aptly, you did what all mortals do: You died. And I guess that should have made your case exceptional. You had no choice. You were called to the great beyond abi? The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. 

* Shaking my head. No, No, don’t worry I understand completely* I should have forgiven you right?  But you    didn’t wrong me in the first place.

 Don’t listen to them oo. I am not angry *fake smile*. I haven’t gone insane or built any impenetrable walls. They say I hide behind my many smiles but deep down a broken child. Liars! I am fine. In fact, I am Superb. Yes, my father died, so should I kill myself? The first man who saw me for who I truly was: beautiful. In his eyes, I was an angel and I wanted to stay there. That was all I had and now it’s gone. He took it away.  It’s okay. Please tell them to stop telling me Sorry. Pitying me up and down! Honestly, it’s getting very annoying and I am sick of it. I am only doing the same thing you did - moving on.  They should have gotten the memo by now.      

Abeg! Abeg! I am not mourning! It have do biko!

All my life, I’ve never asked for too much. But I had just one dying request- DO NOT DIE. That’s all oo. When my mates were asking for cars and mac-books. I asked for the simplest of things: don’t die. I didn’t even tell you what to do, I only told you what you shouldn’t do. Very small, simple thing! Ask Cynthia’s dad, abi he is still alive. If you needed more help, your wife would have heartily helped you, She is alive too!

No No dad! No need to apologize. People die every day!

You said you were going to pick me from the airport; I am still waiting ooo since 2014. It must be a very long journey ooo, continue. You said you were going to walk me down the aisle! Wow dad great timing!

I am not angry ooo.  We are only having a conversation na! * sigh* 😕😕😕

You made a promise you were bound to break. And now everyone is looking at me like I am a ticking bomb about to explode. No, No, Dad, It’s not your fault! It’s mine! It’s my fault I never remained the same after you left.  It's my fault I fear death will come for me too and like you, I won't even get to say goodbye.  It's my fault marriage scares me. I mean, why should I give myself to someone only to be torn apart by the cold hands of death.  It’s my fault I built an alternate reality where you are still alive and I fled this one. This messed up reality you created.

You think you can die on me!! Well dad try again! cos I won’t let that happen!🙅🙅🙅

You are alive ooo. That’s my reality! Does that make me insane? Abi we are talking now?  And we spoke this morning? So why? Why have they locked me up here? In an asylum, for that matter? Do I look mad to you? Daddy, tell them oo. I’ve chosen my reality and they’ve chosen theirs. Why should they lock me up just because I am different? Because I chose you over this sick world?  Well, I have my rights! And I am very much aware of them!  Why aren’t they the mad ones? Weaklings! 

Tell them I’ve gotten over you. Moved on- like you did- to an alternate universe where you will forever live. I sure hope you are proud of your accomplishment.

Yours truly,

Me- your angry kid

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There was a time in my life when I was that girl. Angry! Really, Really Angry! And honestly, despite my many attempts to keep her locked up and act mature, she still lurks around. In fact, If you looked closely, you would see her when I bite my lips so hard until I bleed, just to make sure I am not dreaming; when I am scared of sleeping at night because I fear when I wake up I would have forgotten a part of him, when I beat myself up for not remembering each and every single day of my 20 years with him, when I feel so miserable for being so happy without him.  ARRGHHHHH!!

Yes, she resurfaces from time to time. But do you know her greatest fears? In fact our greatest fears: TIME and MOVING ON. Ironically, they say these 2 will heal a broken heart. Well, I hate them! I don’t want to be okay. They can skip me and go find people who need their help. Because for me what they call moving on, I call it forgetting him.  Aren’t they asking for too much? Please, where on earth am I supposed to “move on” to? What if I don’t want to? What if I feel closest to him by being sad?  Can I be happy when he is not here? I mean can I do so without feeling guilty about it? Ok let me ask one last question. Can I move on with him?

And for time? Time is just the worst. It won’t let me be! It keeps pushing me farther and farther away from him. And I fear its stealthily stealing what keeps me warm at night, what anchors me to him- my memories. I mean, Can you believe it’s been two years now. Already?

Ultimately, the million dollar question remains- what does moving on mean for us, the bereaved? I definitely do not know the answer to that question.  However, a few days ago, as I shared a fond memory of my dad, I laughed so hard I began to shed tears.  And then, it dawned on me. My greatest fear was not moving on. It was, forgetting him.  But that could never happen. No amount of time could do that. Not even eternity! And do you know why? Because a good father doesn’t have to be alive to father you. He is buried in every laughter, in every sage advice, in every memory and in every accomplishment.  So, recently, when I read a beautiful letter by a friend to his dad I told myself he must be the "boldest" person on the surface of the earth. And I hope one day I’ll be able to share my dad with the rest of the world. But, not today.

Today, I take the first step- I Accept his death.  But am farthest from moving on.

 We really hope this was an amazing read for you!! To all those who have lost loved ones, guess what? they live on as long as you write. It's the best way to preserve them and to share them with the rest of the world. And when people read your work, they get to experience an inkling of what you feel when you think of them, see the world through your eyes and see your world of colourful memories. That's what we want to help you do. So if you have something written, however disorganized, we would be honoured to work with you and share your story on the Inspire Blog. Send it to beinspired531@gmail.com.  PS. this is not all the blog is about. Watch out for the next post!! . Eh heh! like, share and comment oo. It's important!