I'D NEVER MAKE IT TO 2019

It was that time of the year for me. Time to take stock. Sit by myself and reflect. And I didn't want to do it.  I did not have the mind. So I picked up my phone to go on William Uchemba's handle on IG or something. You know what we do to distract ourselves from life na. Anything but think about 2018. But before I could click on the instagram icon on my phone, I felt a tear trickling down my cheeks onto my phone screen.  I was too late.  I wiped them off immediately. But they continued strolling down my face. I lifted my chin upwards in a stupid attempt to have them return to the pit they came from. Still didn’t work. It was like the number, 2018, had triggered a water faucet in my body. It was just too much😫

 I knew the problem. Truth is I was too weak to admit it earlier. Maybe too ashamed to admit:
 I was tired... I am tired... Completely exhausted. 2018 took more than I had to give, more than I was ever willing to give. And I had not recovered.Was I Weak? Did it make sense that I just wanted to recover before facing the madness of a new year with its unreasonable expectations? I wanted to remain in 2018 small, just small Or would I be too late for 2019 by the time I recovered from the chaos of 2018? 2018 was just too much😫

How in God's name could a year not go according to any plan? I mean I didn’t have a lot of plans!  I was nowhere in the first 6months of the year. Absolutely nowhere. Instead, the faster I ran, the slower 2018 got. And when I couldn’t care less, it turned into an uncontrollable race car that almost gave me a heart attack. Everything I was pursuing in the first 7-8 months came in the space of days and I could barely breathe. I couldn’t handle it. I was always at extremes. Either laughing uncontrollably or crying so hard. Either very insecure or overly confident. Sometimes overwhelmed with peace but most times bedridden by anxiety.  Either too in love or completely fatigued by it. It was just too much 😫. . .

My back started to ache from sitting too long. I laid on my back with the tears now strolling into my ears. I remembered it all like yesterday. Only me got hired and resigned within 24 hours, lost serious documents--worth millions--that should have gotten me fired, and could not sleep for 3 days because of anxiety.  It was only when I took Habib yoghurt that I could sleep. I promise you it was not longer throat, it was a real medical condition😂  I remember the job applications and how my heart would sink from the rejections. I mean a girl can only take so many "Ls" in her life.  And then the confusion that followed. I remember the pain from losing money, from breaking my own heart. And yes I did, I really did break my own heart. 2018 was just too much 😫. And it took much more. But there were beautiful moments too. I remember mummy’s dance when the good news about our Opara came. Or watching my best friend kiss the love of her life. yuck. Or the exciting feeling of travelling thousands of miles pursuing my dreams and seeing my baby sister. Those moments, amongst many others, I can never forget. 

However, while I’m excited at the possibilities that simmer in 2019, I’m not in a hurry to say goodbye to 2018.  I’ll be foolish if I were. I made too many mistakes in 2018 and a new year does not automatically make me wiser. No new year new me nonsense this time. I tried it 2018, even posted slay debut picture on instagram 😂. It still did not work. Everything that happened in 2018 doesn’t vanish because of 2019. That’s not how life works.  2019 only exists because I went through 2018. And if I continue with this silly mentality of rushing into the new year a brand new person with 2000 resolutions I'll make the same mistakes over and over and over again. I'll be anxious about the same things over and over again. And though the years will change from 2018-2019-2020, I'll be stuck making the same mistakes--because I leave each year empty-handed, remembering the events but forgetting the lessons. I'd never make it to 2019.

So Ijeoma let's call a spade a spade. I wish you had more faith in 2018. Faith in yourself. Faith in God. I wished you prayed more and spoke to people less. You were always confused. I wish you were kinder to yourself. You are young and you will make mistakes. I wish you enjoyed the process, enjoyed the adventure rather than worry about things you couldn’t control. Worrying didn’t give you any more control.  I wish you weren’t so anxious and feeling you needed to help God do his part. You blew it. You pursued everything and got nothing. I wish you listened to God. You broke your own heart and you shouldn’t have. Most of the things you went through in 2018 were self-orchestrated. You felt you were more interested in your own success than God. You couldn't be more wrong.

In 2019, abeg let's agree not to do this again. There will be challenges. Accept it now. You will be uncertain about many things.  It's the truth. People will doubt you. but do not doubt yourself. Listen, do not be overwhelmed. Please don’t run mad like you did in 2018 😂. You are too old mbok! Pray and sleep. Trust God more.  I promise you your village people will leave you if you ignore them😂😂. And when your head begins to touch and you feel like your life is too slow, remember what Minika said, "Ijeoma, you are just right where you are supposed to be". So live a little.  Apply to become a cheerleader in school again. They have already rejected your first application 😂. 😂Keep applying, na them go tire last. This law you are studying is just a pot of beans with plantain back😂 My sister actually said, "Ijeoma, it is called plantain peel", it is plantain back joo, dont argue with a lawyer . Be happy.  Don’t walk around with the weight of the world on your shoulders. Do not usurp God's role. 

But I know you, you will not hear word. So just in case your village people are still on your matter 😂, let me tell you a secret for when the rollercoaster of 2019 begins. Let me tell you why you will still win like you always have. Why you still have an edge, even when 2019 will try like 2018 to take more than you have to give: if you went through 2018, 2017,2016,2015,2014… and did not die. Walahi, You cannot die again😂😂. HAPPY NEW YEAR!