I'D NEVER MAKE IT TO 2019

It was that time of the year for me. Time to take stock. Sit by myself and reflect. And I didn't want to do it.  I did not have the mind. So I picked up my phone to go on William Uchemba's handle on IG or something. You know what we do to distract ourselves from life na. Anything but think about 2018. But before I could click on the instagram icon on my phone, I felt a tear trickling down my cheeks onto my phone screen.  I was too late.  I wiped them off immediately. But they continued strolling down my face. I lifted my chin upwards in a stupid attempt to have them return to the pit they came from. Still didn’t work. It was like the number, 2018, had triggered a water faucet in my body. It was just too much😫

 I knew the problem. Truth is I was too weak to admit it earlier. Maybe too ashamed to admit:
 I was tired... I am tired... Completely exhausted. 2018 took more than I had to give, more than I was ever willing to give. And I had not recovered.Was I Weak? Did it make sense that I just wanted to recover before facing the madness of a new year with its unreasonable expectations? I wanted to remain in 2018 small, just small Or would I be too late for 2019 by the time I recovered from the chaos of 2018? 2018 was just too much😫

How in God's name could a year not go according to any plan? I mean I didn’t have a lot of plans!  I was nowhere in the first 6months of the year. Absolutely nowhere. Instead, the faster I ran, the slower 2018 got. And when I couldn’t care less, it turned into an uncontrollable race car that almost gave me a heart attack. Everything I was pursuing in the first 7-8 months came in the space of days and I could barely breathe. I couldn’t handle it. I was always at extremes. Either laughing uncontrollably or crying so hard. Either very insecure or overly confident. Sometimes overwhelmed with peace but most times bedridden by anxiety.  Either too in love or completely fatigued by it. It was just too much 😫. . .

My back started to ache from sitting too long. I laid on my back with the tears now strolling into my ears. I remembered it all like yesterday. Only me got hired and resigned within 24 hours, lost serious documents--worth millions--that should have gotten me fired, and could not sleep for 3 days because of anxiety.  It was only when I took Habib yoghurt that I could sleep. I promise you it was not longer throat, it was a real medical condition😂  I remember the job applications and how my heart would sink from the rejections. I mean a girl can only take so many "Ls" in her life.  And then the confusion that followed. I remember the pain from losing money, from breaking my own heart. And yes I did, I really did break my own heart. 2018 was just too much 😫. And it took much more. But there were beautiful moments too. I remember mummy’s dance when the good news about our Opara came. Or watching my best friend kiss the love of her life. yuck. Or the exciting feeling of travelling thousands of miles pursuing my dreams and seeing my baby sister. Those moments, amongst many others, I can never forget. 

However, while I’m excited at the possibilities that simmer in 2019, I’m not in a hurry to say goodbye to 2018.  I’ll be foolish if I were. I made too many mistakes in 2018 and a new year does not automatically make me wiser. No new year new me nonsense this time. I tried it 2018, even posted slay debut picture on instagram 😂. It still did not work. Everything that happened in 2018 doesn’t vanish because of 2019. That’s not how life works.  2019 only exists because I went through 2018. And if I continue with this silly mentality of rushing into the new year a brand new person with 2000 resolutions I'll make the same mistakes over and over and over again. I'll be anxious about the same things over and over again. And though the years will change from 2018-2019-2020, I'll be stuck making the same mistakes--because I leave each year empty-handed, remembering the events but forgetting the lessons. I'd never make it to 2019.

So Ijeoma let's call a spade a spade. I wish you had more faith in 2018. Faith in yourself. Faith in God. I wished you prayed more and spoke to people less. You were always confused. I wish you were kinder to yourself. You are young and you will make mistakes. I wish you enjoyed the process, enjoyed the adventure rather than worry about things you couldn’t control. Worrying didn’t give you any more control.  I wish you weren’t so anxious and feeling you needed to help God do his part. You blew it. You pursued everything and got nothing. I wish you listened to God. You broke your own heart and you shouldn’t have. Most of the things you went through in 2018 were self-orchestrated. You felt you were more interested in your own success than God. You couldn't be more wrong.

In 2019, abeg let's agree not to do this again. There will be challenges. Accept it now. You will be uncertain about many things.  It's the truth. People will doubt you. but do not doubt yourself. Listen, do not be overwhelmed. Please don’t run mad like you did in 2018 😂. You are too old mbok! Pray and sleep. Trust God more.  I promise you your village people will leave you if you ignore them😂😂. And when your head begins to touch and you feel like your life is too slow, remember what Minika said, "Ijeoma, you are just right where you are supposed to be". So live a little.  Apply to become a cheerleader in school again. They have already rejected your first application 😂. 😂Keep applying, na them go tire last. This law you are studying is just a pot of beans with plantain back😂 My sister actually said, "Ijeoma, it is called plantain peel", it is plantain back joo, dont argue with a lawyer . Be happy.  Don’t walk around with the weight of the world on your shoulders. Do not usurp God's role. 

But I know you, you will not hear word. So just in case your village people are still on your matter 😂, let me tell you a secret for when the rollercoaster of 2019 begins. Let me tell you why you will still win like you always have. Why you still have an edge, even when 2019 will try like 2018 to take more than you have to give: if you went through 2018, 2017,2016,2015,2014… and did not die. Walahi, You cannot die again😂😂. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A WORTHLESS CURRENCY: MONEY

Other than the fact that my name is Ijeoma Unachukwu, people seem to think that there are a lot of things not igbo about me. First, they say, "Ijeoma, how is a right handed Igbo girl like you only able to count money with her left hand?" I know right? How is that a thing sef? Apparently, my Igbo friends say it points to my grave disrespect for money.  They make it look a taboo, like when you collect something from an elder with your left hand.😂😂 Is it that deep?

When I look back, maybe they were right. Maybe I didn’t value money as much as I should have. Because I almost always had enough or knew the people that did. And as long as I was able to take care of myself, that was enough for me. But something changed this year. And it would have changed for anybody who started out this with year like I did: unemployed. All of a sudden Money had value. And this girl could miraculously count money with every part of her body including her toes sef.😂  Don’t get me wrong oo, I wasn’t hungry and begging. It was anything but that. There was just so much to do and  money felt like a great obstacle to doing them. Kai, money did me strong thing. I mean I was so worried I was having sleep disorders. I did not sleep for 3 good nights. Guys, it was only in this year I knew this saying was no joke: Them get some kind sickness wey only bank alert fit cure. Walahi, I was having a melt down.😞 So much worry, still no money. So  I told myself "Ijeoma, issa wrap! I'm not doing again. I don't have the money"

But one day as I desperately flipped through scripture to steady my mind, I saw an almost archaic verse that usually meant nothing to me. You cannot serve God and money at the same time. You will hate one and love the other. Stay with me, stay with me, I'm not about preaching.  I could see the over familiar stale words in black ink but for some reason, I could hear something more profound in my heart. It couldn’t be me he was talking to. Abi did anybody see me pursuing money, greedily or not paying my tithe?, 👀👀  As I tried to gloss over the passage again, I realized I was stuck. Maybe, there was more to this text. Maybe I didn’t have to be greedy or stingy to serve money. Maybe,  there was another group of people who still ingeniously served money: Most them products of their experiences, people who had gone through life managing money at every point. Maybe they had gone overboard and now money was managing their dreams. Worse of all, maybe they didn't know.

Now I’m sure you are saying, Ijeoma keep quiet joo, does that mean that money is somebody's god? But what makes a god a god mbok? Isn’t it the fact, that you let it dictate what you can or cannot do? Your capabilities and limitations?  Ok, let me explain. Asides from my recent weight gain,(please its not your business)  the only reason I am not dressed like the flash running up and down, is because God has placed a limitation on my speed. So despite all my appeals to God, I have to walk from point A to B like every other mortal in slow motion.  Why? because by God's design I don’t have the capacity to run like the flash. I just can’t do it because he says I can’t.  Now when you let the presence or otherwise of money dictate whether you can start a business, go to school or amount to anything in life, no be god be that?

 I know some of you are still thinking you are not a part of this group. But how many times have you let lack of money stop you from doing what you really want to do or pursuing a dream. How many business ideas have you let money kill? Dreams of furthering education massacred? Because each time you do this: let money tell you what you can or cannot have, you are no different...  drops mic

As the previous chairman of this covert money serving group,  adjusts my agbada, I feel like I still have to give you a brief profile, just in case you want to know what they really look like.  For these people eh, when they have money, they worry about losing it and don’t use it to pursue their dreams, and when they don’t have it, they worry about how to get it. In other words, they are too much of a boss, that money can't win with them. Their case is really in heaven. In my opinion, what they really serve is the presence or lack it.  And for some reason, when they don’t have it they feel paralyzed, like they can't do jack. So in reality, what they are saying is that the extent to which they can go in life is dependent on how much money they have in their wallet. Eventually, their sense of lack overwhelms them so much  that they despise God.

But can I say the truth? The thing is when you let money determine your potential in life, you forget  that most of the greatest people on earth used what we generally referred to as nothing to gain everything. I think it shows that perhaps the currency for your dreams may not be money. And maybe, just maybe, if you had the right mindset, what you have i.e, your determination and skill set, may just be enough to get you what you need which includes, money.  Selah. Abeg pause and think about this paragraph. Its deep

 I have said all these to say one thing. You may not have all the money in the world but you do have a choice. Its either you choose God or money. And if you really choose God to be your God, I’m sure you will realize that asides from being a speedster, there are really no limits. No impossibilities. So do you know what I do now, when I hear lack yelling so loud  in my heart trying to intimidate me or my dreams and I am tempted to worry about all the things I may never do or the heights I may never attain because I lack money, I remind my self of one thing, I serve God not money and then I continue on my course. Only God determines my limits and I will become every single thing he says I will become. So let me tell you the truth, Guys, we have to pursue our dreams.  Just start out, Money will never come until you do. 

However, I wish to proffer you a more superior and infallible currency. A currency that defiles all money, cash and cheque,  just because it can fetch you the world and a whole lot more: Faith, for with it, Everything is possible and that includes your dreams...

Never give up!

Thank you for reading. Please if this has helped you in any way, can you please share? Can you also comment on what money has stopped you from doing? and what you didn't let money stop you from doing. I know I would like to learn from you!

PANIC ALERT

"No No No....this can't be happening again”. I tried to force air through my lungs for the umpteenth time. The white bathroom walls were rapidly closing in on me again. I couldn’t breathe. I really couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone had knotted my thoracic cavity into a perfect bow. My black suit felt tight. My inner wear too.  Everything felt tight! I needed to strip, but I was in the office. I ran cold water through my braided wig for some relief. Dang! I threw the wig to the dark blue tiled floor. I turned off the water faucet while I held on to the washing hand basin for support.   "Ijeoma, you will be fine”, was all I could unconvincingly mutter while I tried to look at what was left of me in the mirror. My vision had depleted over the weeks from my poor eating habits. I looked horrible. How was it that I had done all these to myself? I mean, No one beat me. I wasn’t owing money. Didn’t join a cult that was after my life either. I was just really afraid. It was a type of fear I had never felt before. Fear that felt so tangible, scathed my mind and terrorized me with a worse possibility, “ What if I had just made the biggest mistake of my life".😱😱😱😱